Exposaroonie Challenge: A Different Perspective

I love take close ups. I don't know why, but I feel my pictures always come out better and since I've been doing them so much, they just keep getting better!

This week's challenge was similar to the last one I did, but I decided to shoot while he was awake this time. And of course, the other side of his body. The Challenge: shooting from a different perspective. So, I got down to his level and this first picture is actually the camera on his chest and him lifting his head up to pose. Such beautiful eyes...

This next one was the runner up. I like the shadows in this but I love how much his blue eyes stand out in the last one.
He is a little washed out, but there wasn't enough natural light there so I had to use flash.

Hmm... looking at the pictures now, I think I'm going to use the second one. The first pic looks really good on the camera but doesn't quite do it justice on here. Which one do you think I should pick?

Don't forget to vote! The Photo community is growing!

Twitter, Reader and Other Nonsense...

Last week, I started working on my son's birth story. In my birth class our instructor told us that a mother's way of dealing with the birth, especially if it didn't go as planned, is to tell this story over and over until they feel better. This was not the case with me.

No birth plan ever pans out exactly as you've written. My son's birth story, went nicely up until the end. At least we thought it did.

I kept my story bottle up for a long time. It hurt to think about and especially hurt to talk about, especially with all the updates I was constantly giving people. I hate thinking about what my son went through and the feelings of helplessness I had.

But that was how my son was born. Immediately thrown into life's challenges. That was how he was brought to me and into our lives. And while I mourn the birth and the bonding I didn't quite get, I cherish that day and am so thankful for him and his health.

Also, I've signed up for Google-reader so I can add a lot more blogs to my daily read. I've been going through a lot of people's blog rolls and there are tons of good ones out there. I also got myself onto Twitter, though I can't quite figure it out. Which is silly, because the site seems pretty simple. I'll update my page with it later.

My other blog is getting to the fun part. For a long time, I complained about Cassy to people. Some people thought I was over-reacting. Then, they met her. They actually couldn't believe how much I was under-reacting. Really. It didn't take a sleepover or a few hours during the evening on a weekend for them to see it. All they had to do was say hi to her and she'd snort or mutter under her breath, and they'd know. When friends did sleep over? Well, most of my friends parents started to understand too, and they'd invite me to stay over.

The worst news this week? Denise is accepting a new position and will no longer be our therapist starting sometime mid-June. Which is good for her because she hasn't got a raise in 12 years but sucks for us because she wasn't just an O.T. She had so much experience that she generally worked on everything and she loved LilB. She was always doing extra things at home to help him succeed. We're going to miss her so much and we're going to have to get use to someone new (and them get use to us).

The best news this week? We have our appointments with our new pediatrician set up and their office sounds pretty awesome considering they take a lot of medicaid patients and I've heard non stop rave reviews over our particular doctor ever since we got accepted into their office.

There is still a ton of crap that needs to be done. Appointments, harassment (about the appointments they're not calling me back on...), maybe some stalking, vacation to prepare for, surgery to also prep for (mostly that has to do with me and my emotions), Rockfest, but most importantly, LilB's FIRST birthday (I am going to start crying now...GOD I am more of a wuss then before!).

So any idea for themes for first birthdays?

Mommy needs a shopping spree...

Crazy Week Behind Us

LilB had five appointments last week. I was able to work 20 hours and still get a few other things done...

• Normal visit with Denise, our occupational therapist.
• Had our last appointment with our pediatrician. She was very nice and listened this time. She loaded us with summer information and reassured us that it was a big deal that LilB hadn't got his 9 month vaccine yet. She gave a few recommendations to our next pediatrician.
• Nutritionist came over the same day, afterwards. Reported LilB had gained 1.5 pounds and had grown about half an inch. She was very happy and we just went over his feeding regimen and discussed his ideal calorie intake (900!) She'll return in about a month, maybe one or two more times. I enjoyed her company (and bashing insurance with her).
• Kelly, the vision therapist came over. We mostly discussed the upcoming optometry appointment and the pediatrician appointment. She knew I had been having a hard time dealing with this week, since every time I turned around someone had a remark about LilB's unknown future. She also made a few pediatrician recommendations.
• Called the doctor my old pediatrician and MrB's mom recommended. Of course the staff tells me his panel is full and is not accepting anymore patients with our insurance. Fabulous.
• Friday, we had our appointment with the Opthamologist. We discussed his field loss and whether it was strabismus related or neurological. We received the answer that we have with every doctor; wait and see. We set up his surgery for July and both his pre and post surgery appointments. We also put him on a waiting list so we may be able to get him in sooner.
• MrB's mom called Dr. New Pediatrician and spoke with the staff. She takes her kids there and asked him to take her grandson as well. They obliged :)
• Most of our medicals bill have payment arrangements now without us breaking the bank and still being able to take care of the rest of the bills.

And now that it's a 3 day weekend there's thunderstorms. Oh well. Are your plans getting rained on as well?

Insurance Update and Missing Blogs

Medicaid called me on Thursday. The guy I spoke with obviously didn't want to talk to me so I didn't ask him many questions on why Lew and I weren't accepted but my son was.

Our state has a different way of doing their Medicaid, apparently. You don't actually use Medicaid, but an actual provider that Medicaid helps you get. Since we make too much money for Medicaid (but not enough to afford getting insurance on our own) we have to pay a monthly premium. However, if you have to pay a premium, they won't help you with any past medical bills. Awesome!

The customer service rep that I talked to on Friday was the one who gave me this information. Also, she gave me his ID number so I could actually start taking him to doctors since it had started, I just hadn't got the card yet.

So, the good thing is LilB had insurance. He still gets to see his regular pediatrician, which surprised me considering we live in a well-established area and they are in the prime area. Bad news, my cracked tooth will go unaided for a little longer (I had a filling done during pregnancy that didn't stick--I blame the kid taking all my nutrients-- and losened while eating, and unknowingly chomping on it and making it worse)

LilB has five appointments this week, including therapists. Oi.

I knew my weekend wasn't starting out right when I discovered one of my favorite bloggers was gone. And another is taking some much needed rest. Some are taking trips and some just are busy with their real lives (the nerve). Either way, I'm running out of lives to read about so I have to ask...

What are some of your favorite blogs?

I can't make myself look through people's insane blogrolls. I mean, they don't actually read all those, right? I've tried to just randomly click some and that doesn't really work well for me and my mild case of ADD.

So go ahead and do tell. You could also post a brief desciption about the blog or why you like it. Or not, if you're lazy like me. I'll check out every single one, promise.

My Hero

The other day, while making this fabulous dinner, I felt something jump on my leg. Instantly, I froze, a childhood memory came flooding back.

I was young, and my mom and dad were still married. They were playing cards on the coffee table while I bounced around them in my pajama-tee. I felt something on my shirt and looked down and screamed. There, clinging to my shirt and crawling upward, was a big, ugly cockroach. I still shudder thinking about it.

Despite that the current critter on my leg was not a cockroach, still did not ease my fears. I screamed and the thing spread it's wings and jumped off. I ran out of the kitchen and stared at it from a safe distance. It was definitely of the cockroach family.

Then, much to my surprise, Bogey stepped in. My hero ♥ .

Are you going to cry??? MrB asked as soon as he walked in.

MrB may have killed the nasty thing, but Bogey is still my hero. I'm pretty sure he would have ate him and even though that's disgusting, it wouldn't have mattered because it would've been gone. I love my second baby.

Exposing The Rules...

This weeks Exposaroonie challenge was all about how you take a picture; Rule of Thirds. Basically, don't center your subject in the middle. I shot my favorite subject this week...

Unfortunately for me, he was much too wiggly yesterday to get a decent shot... so while he was sleeping I launched my next "attack"... These turned out better. My submission is the top one.

It took me a lot of time to actually get the shot. I finally figured out I wanted a foot picture because I love his long feet. Then, I took some tips, and tried to use only natural lighting.

This one was fun, once I figured out my subject. Be sure to vote! I'm actually getting some votes this time! Woot.

Baby and Things

I've been meaning to post this, as most of my recent posts haven't been so pleasant. He may not have a lot of hair, but what he does have is long. And there are some oh-so-cute baby curls in there.

I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately. I had been wondering how he would handle mother's day and I thought about calling him but I didn't. I knew that he had probably already been drinking.

After talking to our therapist, I don't feel so bad. She told me that they would send out a nutritionist to help me figure out different ways of getting the calories in him, especially if he's going to be a wiggle worm. We're trying the whole sippy cup thing but he keeps biting in.

Except for a few mishaps, things have been going pretty well. I crossed an item off my list since I paid two of my credit cards off. I've only kept one open so I can help build my credit because, frankly, there really isn't any other way. MrB has his laptop and I still have been able to save a large sum of money, even after our uninsured doctor's visit. Bills are paid, student loan defferred. I've even been toying with the idea of taking a class at our local community college.

I've also been nice to the Medicaid people, considering it's been over 3 months. However, my niceness is running out. They have until the end of this week, even though they told me it would be done last week. They will not like me on Friday if my mailbox is empty.

Part V: Hello, My Angel...(and goodbye)

She held out her arms, her white dress opening up like a flower. Her long, dark hair spilled over her white creamy skin. And she was smiling.

I blinked my eyes open. I could feel my heart aching. There was still light in the room. I could feel the Morphine wearing off. I was back at home, in my own bed. I remembered before I left the hospital, I had asked for another dose. They had also prescribed me some Tylenol 3, which I really wondered how that could compare to the Morphine that was still lurking in my system.

I started to cramp again. I took the Tylenol 3 but there was no time for it to take affect. I'm sure it wouldn't have helped, though. I could feel the pain as my abdomen would clench. I had the urge to go to the bathroom and rushed there, crying with pain the entire time. Ely hovered outside the door, helpless. Suddenly, the pain stopped followed by the urge to push. I went with it until I realized what was happening. My body was birthing the baby. I couldn't let my angel simply fall into a toilet so I screamed for Ely to get me something to catch her, while I stopped my body from doing everything it was telling me to. He came back with a baggie and I gave into my body.

I wept as I held her tiny, lifeless body in my hand. I knew it was over. I couldn't tear my eyes away from her tiny body that was no bigger then my hand. I could make out her head and legs, her arms which were not quite done growing.

We took her to the hospital and before I left her, I looked at her again. Ely told me we could just go bury her, but I couldn't bear the thought of abandoning her in a shallow, unmarked grave. I burned her into my memory and wept as I said goodbye.

I never found out the results. I'm sure I could have called, but I just couldn't.

I had no one to talk to. My friends didn't come around. My dad didn't understand. He told me his wife, Cassy, said that it happened because I smoked. This made me feel guilty, even though I knew my one cigarette a day was probably not the reason. I don't know why my dad told me this.

Everything happens for a reason... people would tell me. I just wanted to punch them.
You can have more. Great, let's just replace her. That will make me forget about her.

Many people said these kind of things to me. It never helped. Some people never said anything. That made me feel isolated, especially with the ones I thought I was closest to. I went into a deep depression for a long time, always wondering if I had done something different, would it have changed anything. I felt like no one understood my pain, even if my brain told me there were others out there worse off.

Everything was difficult. Going to work, watching t.v. I would see kids and would have to hide in the bathroom or go smoke a cigarette. It never stopped hurting, but it got easier. Eventually, I was able to stop blaming myself, regardless of what others whispered about me. I was able to stop wondering what if...

I still think about her. Sometimes I pray and talk to her about life. To everyone else, she never even existed. But she'll always be with me.

Mama Needs A New Pair of Shoes...

LilB's eye is doing much better. I've started to forgive myself because being mad about it really didn't do me, or him, any good. I think he still needs to learn a little patience in the high chair, so we can really start to feed him the recommended amount of servings. We have been able to get him to eat more which we had proof of because he pooped like every hour.

I sent my mom flowers for Mother's Day. I've never sent her flowers before because she isn't the most girly of girls but I figured she'd enjoy ones that didn't let a strong aroma off (she can be sensitive to that kind of stuff). So I picked a colorful arrangement of roses and daisies in a carafe that came with a matching glass. I wanted to post a picture but the site took it down. Sadness. Oh well.

We went to Red Lobster with MrB's family. We got MrB's mom these picture coasters since she had been admiring ours.

Afterwards, Lew took me to the mall where he let me pick out these:

I didn't know they were Jessica Simpson but I fell in love with them immediatly. It's been so long since I've bought shoes, let alone heels. Really, I think this is my first real heel purchase (1-2 inches doesn't count compared to these). I suppose these aren't really designer, are they? Well, I'm working my way up. Who's you're favorite designer?

MrB came home and cleaned the bedroom and bathroom, which is always nice to have that extra help. I do so much cleaning during the week, I usually succumb to my laziness and do nothing during the weekend.

Also, Bogey left me a present as well, but I didn't feel the need to take a picture of that...

Happy Mother's Day to all you mamas. How did you spend your day?

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Yesterday we took LilB to the doctor. No, we have not had our medicaid processed, yet (though I have harassed them plenty this week).

Tuesday, after waking up from a nap, LilB's eye was a little swollen. It was red, too, so I assumed he had just been sleeping on his fist. MrB's mom was there, visiting with me since I cancelled LilB's therapist appointment. He had waken up twice throughout the night.

It might be pink eye. She commented.

It didn't look gooey to me, and I figured it would get better, as long as he stopped rubbing it. After wiping the goo out of his eye, it looked a lot better.

But the next day, it was still swollen and I started to worry. MrB and I debated on what we should do and decided with or without insurance, we were going back to our old doctor. They weren't open yet, but we'd be there when they were.

When we got there, they were still closed but they told us to come back right at open. After 30 minutes, we returned and were taken right back. Once they weighed him and told me what it was, I asked them to recheck it.

It was the same as it was 4 fucking months ago.

Exscuse my language, but this makes me rather upset. The nurse practitioner then measured his head and reported that it was actually a half-inch smaller then it was last time. Another nurse re-measured and said maybe they didn't measure it right last time.

They sent us over to The Children's Hosp for bloodwork but talked to us about feeding before we left. I have, in fact, been feeding him 2-3 times a day about a half a jar (or a third if it's the bigger ones) of fruits, veggies, and meats. I also still nurse and usually it's before he eats. Everything I have read and everyone I've talked to (including the doctor) have said we can pretty much set our pace and use food as an add on as long as I was still nursing. True, most babies are on finger foods right now, but my son is not most babies. We take things slower with him because in some areas, his development is a little slow.

Apparently we underestimated him.

Not only that, I feel like my body has betrayed me. I relied on my body to take care of my son and help him grow and for some reason, it wasn't enough. I must have misread his ques. That leaves me feeling guilty beyond belief. It breaks my heart to think he's been hungry. It makes me wonder how much I really know my son.

His bloodwork came back and everything is normal. We got an antibiotic for his eye but it looks fine today. When Lew was coming home from getting the prescription, he got a speeding ticket.

They gave us formula to give him after breastfeeding and eating solid foods. I decided not to reteach him how to use a bottle and just skip to a sippy cup. It's messy, but he's able to do it. I can already tell he's gaining weight. In two weeks, we go back for a recheck.

I hope they don't call SRS on us or anything.

Exposed! Thong,thon,thong,thong...

This break is brought you by Exposaroonie. This week's challenge: Bad Habit.

Honestly, I was going to skip this one. Most of my bad habits I've quit (i.e. smoking) and I really couldn't think of any others (besides my caffeine addiction). Then I remembered, every year I simply cannot go without buying new flip flops. I love shoes in general, but it doesn't matter how many thongs I have, I will definetly buy another pair come summer. Maybe two. I thought about doing general open-toe shoes, but out of all my shoes, I have more flip flops then anything else.

I decided to go ahead and enter, because the prize this week is a moleskin. So many people have been talking about these and I'm dying to have one. I could really use a journal. too.

However, I had a slight problem staging... I just can't take pictures of shoes! I doubt I'll win, but you never know unless you try!

I really don't care for any of these pictures. Blah, oh well.

What's you're bad habit?

(I was going to do Oreos, but I ate them all...)

Part IV: One Lonely Visitor...

Slouching in the booth at Denny's, I gazed out the window at all the cars hurrying to work. I sighed and thought back to some of the names we had come up with, torturing myself even further.

Chrystal I thought. It probably wasn't something I would really have named her, but it seemed perfect now.

Watching the sun brighten the entire sky that morning, I dreaded going home. I thought of all the little toys and blankets waiting for me. The sonogram picture that awaited in a pre-made folder the hospital gave me, with a sticker on the front that said Coping with Miscarriage... I thought about the phone calls I would make and questions I would have to answer. Even when I had questions with no answers. I thought about anything and everything. Except how I felt about it.

I called my manager and she told me to take as much time as I needed. Around 6 a.m. I decided we should head home.

I called my mom when I got home. It was the most comfort I received from anyone. I stayed in bed for about 15 hours.

I called my dad during that time. He told me he was sorry and he loved me, but that was about it.

I called my school and talked to them for a bit. They told me to take care of myself and call them when I want to return.

A reoccurring memory haunted me, and sometimes still does. I had been talking to a girl at school one day about her son and what it was like. Her one statement is the only thing I remember about her; You'll never feel lonely again.

And though that may not have been the healthiest outlook on having a child, that was exactly how I felt then. Lonely. While I have felt loneliness before, this feeling was completely different. It was all-consuming.

When I went to the doctor the next day, I went alone. Ely said his stomach hurt. I scoffed a little and tried to prod him into going but after a minute, I gave up. They told me that it would either pass naturally or they'd have to do a D&C which did not sound very appealing to me.

A few days later I started cramping. At first it was mild and I just lied down for a while. Then it got really painful. I started to cry out in pain. I told Ely we had to go to the hospital because I couldn't take it. He dilly-dallied until I screamed bloody murder at him to get his ass in gear.

At the ER they asked my pain level and I almost bit the woman's head right off. I just wanted someone to make it stop. They took me in immediately but I still waited in the room, crying. Ely finally got up and got a nurse.

Don't worry, honey, we're getting you something...

I didn't feel the needle they put into my vein. I thought that relief couldn't come soon enough. As soon as the thought passed, my eyes grew heavy and my body numb from the Morphine. I turned and looked at Ely, the worry easing from his face, as I let the drug envelope me in it's sweet release.

Part III: That Sinking Feeling...

When we had started living together, everything went to hell. We fought, constantly, and sometimes they probably seemed like actual fights to our neighbors. He never wanted to throw anything away, including old alcohol bottles that were empty. He would be furious if I ever threw it out, thought it usually took a while for him to notice.

Our arguments went from one extreme to the next. I started noticing that I really did have a temper, and with him, I had a hard time keeping cool. I'd spend weekends trying to clean up after him and always had to nag him to do anything. Those usually turned into arguments. Things were broken. I'm often reminded of those times by the scar on my arm. In a rage, after he had thrown a plate at our bedroom door, I had hurt myself. It was one of the few times I had ever made myself bleed.

When I had discovered I was pregnant, I was determined not to be that way. I tried to become more patient with Ely and not let my temper get the best of me. Or anything else, for that matter. I even cut my cigarette habit down; only half to one a day.

My mind often wanders to one particular argument though. I'm not sure why we were arguing, but it quickly escalated. He ended up putting a bottle through is 54" television that I got for him for his 21st. I went a little crazy after that. He tried to leave and I tried to force him to stay. He ended up kicking me off him, right in the stomach. I was more surprised then hurt. He didn't even ask if I was okay. Just looked down at me and left. I followed him but when he spat in my face, I told him to fuck off and went back home, cradling myself on my futon-bed.

My thoughts were racing a hundred miles a minute as I lay on the hospital bed, in a room closed off by a curtain. It was eerily quiet. A doctor came in and gave me a rather rough exam and when he told me to relax, I resisted the urge to plant my heel in his face.

When he left, I became a little delirious. I started to giggling, taking in the small room. Beside me was a sign that said, "Medicare patients will not be turned away for treatment." This was a small comfort.

About an hour later, a woman came in and wheeled me out of the room. She took me down a long hallway, bumping into doors as she went. She looked tired.

She showed me a device that looked bigger then my fist and as long as my arm, with a cord at the end. My eyes went wide but I kept quiet.

Don't worry she said. It doesn't go all the way in. Again, only a small comfort.

Still, compared to the previous doctor, she was as gentle as a feather. She asked me if I had ever seen the baby and I said no. She turned the monitor my way and there she was. Slightly curled, I could still make out her head and the rest of her body. She was tiny and I couldn't have been any farther then 4 months along, and though they probably couldn't tell, I knew it was a girl. She wasn't moving, but I was too afraid to ask.

She took me back to the room, where I waited for another hour or two. The doctor came in and told me I had a miscarriage and left the room. I was shocked at his lack of compassion and busted into tears. One of the nurses that had been with us came into the room.

Sweetie, I know this is hard, but you're going to make it through this. I, myself, have been through 2 miscarriages and nothing anyone says will make you feel better. If you ever need to talk, though, you can call me.

I thanked her. I had needed the kindness of a stranger.

Ely helped gathered my things and we walked to my car. The sun was rising and I could feel the lump forming in my throat. I swallowed it back and told Ely that I didn't want to go home. I lit a cigarette and we spent the rest of the morning at Denny's, drinking coffee and smoking, mostly in silence.

Exposed!

EmilyPie's Photo Challenge has evolved. They now have a dedicated website, Exposaroonie. I am very excited, so be sure to check it out.

This weeks challenge was a self portrait. Here is my submission:

And here are the runner-ups...

Be sure to vote!