Name: C
Age: 22
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imeem.

Medicaid called me on Thursday. The guy I spoke with obviously didn't want to talk to me so I didn't ask him many questions on why Lew and I weren't accepted but my son was.

Kansas has a different way of doing their Medicaid, apparently. You don't actually use Medicaid, but an actual provider that Medicaid helps you get. Since we make too much money for Medicaid (but not enough to afford getting insurance on our own) we have to pay a monthly premium. However, if you have to pay a premium, they won't help you with any past medical bills. Awesome!

The customer service rep that I talked to on Friday was the one who gave me this information. Also, she gave me his ID number so I could actually start taking him to doctors since it had started, I just hadn't got the card yet.

So, the good thing is LJ had insurance. He still gets to see his regular pediatrician, which surprised me considering we live in a well-established area and they are in the prime area. Bad news, my cracked tooth will go unaided for a little longer (I had a filling done during pregnancy that didn't stick--I blame the kid taking all my nutrients-- and losened while eating, and unknowingly chomping on it and making it worse)

LJ has five appointments this week, including therapists. Oi.

I knew my weekend wasn't starting out right when I discovered one of my favorite bloggers was gone. And another is taking some much needed rest. Some are taking trips and some just are busy with their real lives (the nerve). Either way, I'm running out of lives to read about so I have to ask...

What are some of your favorite blogs?

I can't make myself look through people's insane blogrolls. I mean, they don't actually read all those, right? I've tried to just randomly click some and that doesn't really work well for me and my mild case of ADD.

So go ahead and do tell. You could also post a brief desciption about the blog or why you like it. Or not, if you're lazy like me. I'll check out every single one, promise.

Labels: Insurance, LJs Firsts, therapy

♥ Friday, May 16, 2008

My Hero♥

The other day, while making this fabulous dinner, I felt something jump on my leg. Instantly, I froze, a childhood memory came flooding back.

I was young, and my mom and dad were still married. They were playing cards on the coffee table while I bounced around them in my pajama-tee. I felt something on my shirt and looked down and screamed. There, clinging to my shirt and crawling upward, was a big, ugly cockroach. I still shudder thinking about it.

Despite that the current critter on my leg was not a cockroach, still did not ease my fears. I screamed and the thing spread it's wings and jumped off. I ran out of the kitchen and stared at it from a safe distance. It was definitely of the cockroach family.

Then, much to my surprise, Bogey stepped in. My hero ♥ .

Are you going to cry??? Lew asked as soon as he walked in.

Lew may have killed the nasty thing, but Bogey is still my hero. I'm pretty sure he would have ate him and even though that's disgusting, it wouldn't have mattered because it would've been gone. I love my second baby.

Labels: Bogey, Daily Rambles, love

♥ Thursday, May 15, 2008

Exposing The Rules...♥

This weeks Exposaroonie challenge was all about how you take a picture; Rule of Thirds. Basically, don't center your subject in the middle. I shot my favorite subject this week...

Unfortunately for me, he was much too wiggly yesterday to get a decent shot... so while he was sleeping I launched my next "attack"... These turned out better. My submission is the top one.

It took me a lot of time to actually get the shot. I finally figured out I wanted a foot picture because I love his long feet. Then, I took some tips, and tried to use only natural lighting.

This one was fun, once I figured out my subject. Be sure to vote! I'm actually getting some votes this time! Woot.

Labels: Exposed, Photo Pie

♥ Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Baby and Things♥

I've been meaning to post this, as most of my recent posts haven't been so pleasant. He may not have a lot of hair, but what he does have is long. And there are some oh-so-cute baby curls in there.

I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately. I had been wondering how he would handle mother's day and I thought about calling him but I didn't. I knew that he had probably already been drinking.

After talking to our therapist, I don't feel so bad. She told me that they would send out a nutritionist to help me figure out different ways of getting the calories in him, especially if he's going to be a wiggle worm. We're trying the whole sippy cup thing but he keeps biting in.

Except for a few mishaps, things have been going pretty well. I crossed an item off my list since I paid two of my credit cards off. I've only kept one open so I can help build my credit because, frankly, there really isn't any other way. Lew has his laptop and I still have been able to save a large sum of money, even after our uninsured doctor's visit. Bills are paid, student loan defferred. I've even been toying with the idea of taking a class at our local community college.

I've also been nice to the Medicaid people, considering it's been over 3 months. However, my niceness is running out. They have until the end of this week, even though they told me it would be done last week. They will not like me on Friday if my mailbox is empty.

Labels: Daily Rambles, Debbie, Insurance, The List: 101/1001, therapy

♥ Monday, May 12, 2008

Part V: Hello, My Angel...(and goodbye)♥

She held out her arms, her white dress opening up like a flower. Her long, dark hair spilled over her white creamy skin. And she was smiling.

I blinked my eyes open. I could feel my heart aching. There was still light in the room. I could feel the Morphine wearing off. I was back at home, in my own bed. I remembered before I left the hospital, I had asked for another dose. They had also prescribed me some Tylenol 3, which I really wondered how that could compare to the Morphine that was still lurking in my system.

I started to cramp again. I took the Tylenol 3 but there was no time for it to take affect. I'm sure it wouldn't have helped, though. I could feel the pain as my abdomen would clench. I had the urge to go to the bathroom and rushed there, crying with pain the entire time. Ely hovered outside the door, helpless. Suddenly, the pain stopped followed by the urge to push. I went with it until I realized what was happening. My body was birthing the baby. I couldn't let my angel simply fall into a toilet so I screamed for Ely to get me something to catch her, while I stopped my body from doing everything it was telling me to. He came back with a baggie and I gave into my body.

I wept as I held her tiny, lifeless body in my hand. I knew it was over. I couldn't tear my eyes away from her tiny body that was no bigger then my hand. I could make out her head and legs, her arms which were not quite done growing.

We took her to the hospital and before I left her, I looked at her again. Ely told me we could just go bury her, but I couldn't bear the thought of abandoning her in a shallow, unmarked grave. I burned her into my memory and wept as I said goodbye.

I never found out the results. I'm sure I could have called, but I just couldn't.

I had no one to talk to. My friends didn't come around. My dad didn't understand. He told me his wife, Cassy, said that it happened because I smoked. This made me feel guilty, even though I knew my one cigarette a day was probably not the reason. I don't know why my dad told me this.

Everything happens for a reason... people would tell me. I just wanted to punch them.
You can have more. Great, let's just replace her. That will make me forget about her.

Many people said these kind of things to me. It never helped. Some people never said anything. That made me feel isolated, especially with the ones I thought I was closest to. I went into a deep depression for a long time, always wondering if I had done something different, would it have changed anything. I felt like no one understood my pain, even if my brain told me there were others out there worse off.

Everything was difficult. Going to work, watching t.v. I would see kids and would have to hide in the bathroom or go smoke a cigarette. It never stopped hurting, but it got easier. Eventually, I was able to stop blaming myself, regardless of what others whispered about me. I was able to stop wondering what if...

I still think about her. Sometimes I pray and talk to her about life. To everyone else, she never even existed. But she'll always be with me.

Labels: Chrystal, Depression, miscarriage

♥

Mama Needs A New Pair of Shoes...♥

LJ's eye is doing much better. I've started to forgive myself because being mad about it really didn't do me, or him, any good. I think he still needs to learn a little patience in the high chair, so we can really start to feed him the recommended amount of servings. We have been able to get him to eat more which we had proof of because he pooped like every hour.

I sent my mom flowers for Mother's Day. I've never sent her flowers before because she isn't the most girly of girls but I figured she'd enjoy ones that didn't let a strong aroma off (she can be sensitive to that kind of stuff). So I picked a colorful arrangement of roses and daisies in a carafe that came with a matching glass. I wanted to post a picture but the site took it down. Sadness. Oh well.

We went to Red Lobster with Lew's family. We got Lew's mom these picture coasters since she had been admiring ours.

Afterwards, Lew took me to the mall where he let me pick out these:

I didn't know they were Jessica Simpson but I fell in love with them immediatly. It's been so long since I've bought shoes, let alone heels. Really, I think this is my first real heel purchase (1-2 inches doesn't count compared to these). I suppose these aren't really designer, are they? Well, I'm working my way up. Who's you're favorite designer?

Lew came home and cleaned the bedroom and bathroom, which is always nice to have that extra help. I do so much cleaning during the week, I usually succumb to my laziness and do nothing during the weekend.

Also, Bogey left me a present as well, but I didn't feel the need to take a picture of that...

Happy Mother's Day to all you mamas. How did you spend your day?

Labels: holiday, Little Mama

♥ Thursday, May 8, 2008

Open Mouth, Insert Foot♥

Yesterday we took LJ to the doctor. No, we have not had our medicaid processed, yet (though I have harassed them plenty this week).

Tuesday, after waking up from a nap, LJ's eye was a little swollen. It was red, too, so I assumed he had just been sleeping on his fist. Lew's mom was there, visiting with me since I cancelled LJ's therapist appointment. He had waken up twice throughout the night.

It might be pink eye. She commented.

It didn't look gooey to me, and I figured it would get better, as long as he stopped rubbing it. After wiping the goo out of his eye, it looked a lot better.

But the next day, it was still swollen and I started to worry. Lew and I debated on what we should do and decided with or without insurance, we were going back to our old doctor. They weren't open yet, but we'd be there when they were.

When we got there, they were still closed but they told us to come back right at open. After 30 minutes, we returned and were taken right back. Once they weighed him and told me what it was, I asked them to recheck it.

It was the same as it was 4 fucking months ago.

Exscuse my language, but this makes me rather upset. The nurse practitioner then measured his head and reported that it was actually a half-inch smaller then it was last time. Another nurse re-measured and said maybe they didn't measure it right last time.

They sent us over to Children's Mercy for bloodwork but talked to us about feeding before we left. I have, in fact, been feeding him 2-3 times a day about a half a jar (or a third if it's the bigger ones) of fruits, veggies, and meats. I also still nurse and usually it's before he eats. Everything I have read and everyone I've talked to (including the doctor) have said we can pretty much set our pace and use food as an add on as long as I was still nursing. True, most babies are on finger foods right now, but my son is not most babies. We take things slower with him because in some areas, his development is a little slow.

Apparently we underestimated him.

Not only that, I feel like my body has betrayed me. I relied on my body to take care of my son and help him grow and for some reason, it wasn't enough. I must have misread his ques. That leaves me feeling guilty beyond belief. It breaks my heart to think he's been hungry. It makes me wonder how much I really know my son.

His bloodwork came back and everything is normal. We got an antibiotic for his eye but it looks fine today. When Lew was coming home from getting the prescription, he got a speeding ticket.

They gave us formula to give him after breastfeeding and eating solid foods. I decided not to reteach him how to use a bottle and just skip to a sippy cup. It's messy, but he's able to do it. I can already tell he's gaining weight. In two weeks, we go back for a recheck.

I hope they don't call SRS on us or anything.

Labels: Bad Mommy, LJs Firsts, therapy