Pain is Restless

LilB has been cranky, even while he's sleeping. In the wee hours of the morning, he'll start to stir and whimper. He's not awake or anything but it wakes MrB and I up. Last night, MrB went to sleep on the couch. I layed awake with LilB for a while.
This morning, I felt in his mouth for some reason and I felt a little prick. I looked in his mouth to see a small, white point protruding out of his front, bottom gum. Mystery solved!

MrB also decided to see how it was doing by sticking his finger in there...long enough for LilB to bite down. There was some blood.

Tonight, before going to bed, he gets Tylenol.

The List: 101/1001

Start Date: February.01.2008

End Date: November.03.2010

Travel
001) Visit mom with LilB and MrB
002) Go to the beach
003) Plan a romantic getaway for MrB and I

Personal
004) Take belly dancing class
005) Take cooking class
006) Take a dance class
007) Take a wine tasting class
008) Take a pilates/yoga class (bonus: stick with it)
009) Get facial
010) Get manicure
011) Get pedicure
012) Get massage
013) Spend 10 minutes to myself, everyday
014) Finish one of my scrapbooks
015) Go roller skating
016) Read a different book each month (2/33)
017) Get a makeover
018) Bake an awesome Cheesecake
019) Get waxed somewhere besides eyebrows...
020) Contact birth mother
021) Contact half sister
022) Pay respects to grandma and grandpa
023) Start doing crunches to get rid of the pudge LJ left behind
024) Get hair colored
025) Continue taking prenatal vitamins while breastfeeding
026) Write some poems
027) Tone tummy, similar pre-pregnancy

Social
028) Make a new friend
029) Attend Rockfest
030) Get in touch with an old friend
031) Host a poker game
032) Have a date night with MrB, once a month (5/33)
033) Find someone to have playdates with for LilB
034) Go to high school reunion
035) Go to someone's party...even if you don't want to
036) Give someone flowers, just because

Want (me, me, me...)
037) Get digital camera
038) Get designer something (shoes, bag, jeans...)
039) Get my tattoo
040) Get new earrings
041) Get a new computer

Family
042) Get family pictures taken
043) Send out family pictures
044) Get MrB a "new" car
045) Get MrB a new suit
046) Get MrB a new laptop
047) Have MrB's family over for dinner
048) Transition LilB to his own bed
049) Potty train LilB
050) Teach LilB to crawl .
051) Teach LilB to walk
052) Take LilB to the zoo
053) Get MrB a Blackberry
054) Go on a picnic

Finance
055) Pay of credit cards (1/2)
056) Make arrangements for medical bills
057) Start LilB's college fund
058) Start retirement plan
059) Start a plan to buy a home
060) Create a budget
061) Stick with budget
062) Find a way to make extra money

Home
063) Decorate second bathroom
064) Create canvas art for LilB's room
065) Buy a dining room set
066) Buy plants
067) Buy some chic decor
068) Buy a cordless phone
069) Get more picture frames
070) Hang up pictures
071) Get decals for LilB's room
072) Obtain patio furniture, of any kind
073) Buy organizational items for desk
074) Buy art for bedroom

Other
075) Get insurance for family
076) Buy a Karma Sutra book
077) Try something in said Karma Sutra book
078) Visit a museum
079) Make family calendar
080) Develop cameras that are lying around (I'm so bad at that)
081) Make mom her own LilB scrapbook
082) Bake LilB's first cake
083) Go to the Drive In movies
084) Paint some more clay figures (or whatever they're called)
085) Go bowling
086) Get one of LilB's first shoes bronzed
087) Write a list of 101 things that make me happy (0/101)
088) Take a picture for each (0/101)
089) Go Camping
090) Bake bread
091) Get a fish..or two
092) Clean out the closet
093) Donate unwanted closet items
094) Buy a new journal
095) Write in new journal
096) Create a personal memorial for her
097) Finish "biography"
098) Print biography
099) Go to an art festival
100) Baby-proof home
101) Write another 101 list

Abandonment Issues: Feedback Welcomed

My dad didn't seem to mind when I told him via email that his wife wasn't welcome over. All of our conversations have been through email. He did say that'll he'll call us when he comes over. I wonder if he actually will...

I mentioned my "real" mom's name and he immediatly said we could find her and my sister if I wanted. I guess I'm at a loss. I would your input on what you think. I mean, she's not tried to contact me, that I'm aware of anyway. It's been at least 12 years since I've seen them. What would I even say to them? Sometimes when I'm in new social situations I revert back to my old ways...being quite, shy, awkward...

It's really crazy to think about having a sister. When I say it, it's foreign to me. It's not really a part of me. I mentioned it to my best friend of at least 5 years and she said I never told her about it.

This memory of my father asking me what I would say to her keeps coming to me. I remember thinking about it, and thinking about how it would affect everyone. I think that's why I haven't wanted to meet her. I thought it would hurt my mom. That she would think that I didn't love her anymore and didn't want her in my life. That and my father persisted about how she left us. How could someone who loved me just leave?

Being a mom makes me wonder about that even more. Knowing I could never leave my son, no matter what happened between Lew and I. I want to be a part of his life.

Ah well. Feedback is appreciated.

Frazzled

I've been completely frazzled lately. Too much going on in my head. I've been thinking about my other blog and I've really wanted to add to it, but I've been waiting for my mom to email me back for days now. Really, she's the only one with a reliable memory that was around when I was a wee one.

I've been thinking about my biological mom, too. Wondering what she's like now, what she would think of me... but really, I've been thinking about my half-sister. Growing up, I never wanted a sibling and as I got older I knew I didn't because I wasn't the greatest role model. Now, though, I wonder what she's like. I don't even remember her name. I don't know how old she is or anything. Could I have any more half-siblings?

I guess I'm thinking about this because I feel abandoned. By everyone except MrB.

Believe me, I want to make new friends. I want to hang out with other moms and relate to them. I'm just not a very outgoing person. I like to be, but I've always been shy and anxious around new people. MrB isn't. And all the moms I know from way back in the day, go out and party. That's not me anymore. I like to go out and dance, have drinks or whatever, but not every weekend. Isn't there something else that's fun too? It always makes me wonder where their kids are. Then I think about my childhood and I know where they are. I can't say I really respect them. Maybe they can sense that and that's why they could care less whether or not I'm there.

I was never popular. Guys seemed to like me, but I think that's because I could always chill with them but still be some-what feminine. I never knew what I wanted out of life or what I wanted to be. I was only half-interested in everything. There was never any motivation in me.
I think I became lost a long time ago.

I'm not really sad today. It's just been a rough week. I'll probably be back to post more later.
__________________________________________________________________


I have quite an addiction to the internet.


I googled my "real" mom's name and didn't come up with anything. I used her maiden name and then my last name. I wouldn't know what her last name is now. I tried to look up marriage records but it was impossible. My dad always said if I wanted to find her, he probably could. I'm not really sure I want to find her.

I posted on Myspace for the first time in forever. It was pretty much an F you to everyone and props to MrB's family. I'm really not sure why I posted it. Besides wanting to brag about how awesome his family is.


Well, I'll probably go check out everyones blog for the millionth time and then see if I can come up with 101 random things about me.

Butt Cream Applicator Award

"MissBeeeee, could you get the butt cream?" MrB called from LilB's room.
"I'm not sure where it is..." I called after looking around.

What he really said was, "Would you apply the butt cream." And it wasn't a question.

As I was washing my hands, I heard, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, nooooooooo...."

I was instantly in hysterics, since I already knew what had happened. Once I recovered, I went to check on both of them. As soon as I walked into the room, MrB said, "It's a slushy!" I immediatly doubled over with laughter. I inched out of the room mouthing, "I have to pee."

After I returned, MrB had just finished up cleaning everything for the third time. As he lifted LilB's legs in the air, in a comprimising position, a little swirl of brown poo steadily came out of his butt. Again, I doubled over in hysteria.

"What do I get for this again?" I asked as I put the butt cream on my fingertip.

"Butt Cream Applicator Award." MrB said without missing a beat.

I earned it, too.

Keeping Up With Love

This is my Bogey, before LilB was born. He's been a little neglected since so I thought I'd show him some love. He's mostly a good dog except for the occasional accidents. He loves kids but doesn't understand why LilB doesn't really take notice of him.

Before MrB, I had been dating and living with my ex. When things ended, I stayed at my dad's house for a while and brought my beloved kitty, Max. One day, my dad let him out and he never came back (he was still young and was an indoor cat). I never got him tags because he had always stayed inside. I was devestated because I had gotten him after my miscarriage and he had helped heal that wound.

When I met MrB, I told him about both losses and how important Max had beed to me. I also told him that I had always had a dog growing up and that I'd love to have a dachshund one day. We always looked at the paper to check out prices, but never with any intention of getting one. Sometimes we'd got to the local pet store and check out the puppies they had. One day we went to the pet store.

"Which puppy do you want?" Lew asked.
"Oh, I don't know..." I said, not really hearing his question.
"Well, which one do you want?" he insisted.
I looke at him in disbelief, then a smile slowly crept across my lips. He smilled back to confirm what I was thinkng.

Bogey was the runt and had an imperfection on his back but it made him perfect for us. Back then he could perch on my shoulder. He was shy at first but once we brought him home and taught him to play fetch, his personality started to blossom. It took forver, and lots of input, to name him.

I remember thinking that no one had ever spent that much money on me, nor had gotten me something as thoughtful. I remember thinking that he was a keeper.

For once, I turned out to be right.

Pattern of Depression

LilB loves to wake his mommy up early on the weekends. He woke me up around 7:00 today. MrB didn't wake up for a while but layed in bed with LilB. Of course, he gets LilB to go back to sleep after hours of me trying. Oh that's right, mommys don't get to sleep!

I was so excited to see that I got two comments on my post about depression. Of course, a lot of people can relate. It's really suprising the number of people who are depressed but struggle with it by themselves. More or less. I know in high school, music got me through a lot of tough times. Writing, too. I think that's part of the reason I can sometimes slip back into that same pattern of depression.

I wrote my first chapter on my other page. It's already different from how I thought it would be. First off, it's first person. I figured it would be easier that way. Plus, this is completey subjective, especially when I was young. I have to rely on other people for that information and some people I just don't talk to anymore. Still, it seems like it will be some long, drawn out therapy. Much needed therapy.

I still think it's amazing how much dad's sleep. They really don't realize how much we do and how much work it takes. Even if they're lending a hand, by taking a feeding or two.

Speaking of feeding, we fed LilB his first veggie last night. It was squash and he thought it was weird. Evidence in his diaper this morning did show that he ate some of it, much to my disbelief. He seemed to have more fun spitting it out but I guess dad got it in there for him.

Ok, so I'm jealous that they get to sleep so much. My pre-preggo coffee addiction is getting more serious now. I'm suprised I've lasted this long without a cup this morning.

Family Email

LilB, Taken at The Children's Hosp at 1 week.

My friends had their second baby yesterday. The only people I know from school that are married with two kids. We may go visit them today if they're feeling up to it. She had a cesarean, and I know what it's like to want the bonding time.

I got an email from Cassy. Cassy is my dad's fourth wife. She's a pushy lady and we never really got along. Mostly because she wanted to be my mother, but hello, I already have one. When I was pregnant with LilB, she cried because she wanted a baby. Probably shouldn't have married my dad then, since he swears I gave him his grey hair. No matter what though, she always tries to get me on her side.

That's never going to happen, though. She was horrible when we lived with her. No one liked her. Not my friends, my friend's parents, my dad's friends... my relatives were nice to her but they didn't like the way she treated me. She showed complete disrespect towards MrB and couldn't even fake it when he tried to. She basically had us kicked out, which was fine by us because we were sick of her crap. She's not someone I would welcome into my home.

On that note, I guess the email bothered me. It was about my family. I wish news about my family wasn't coming from her. She knows more about what's going on then I do. I've given my family my email and I've called them (my family was suppose to come see LilB but they never did) I know they have problems but lately I really feel I don't belong. She talked about them going down there to see my grandmother, who is in her final stages of Alzheimers. My grandfather went through this and died April 2007. I drove up there, 6 months preggo, to spend time with my grandmother. As much as I want to see her, I don't think I can take her not recognizing me. Anyway, I thought it was nice of Cassy to try to guilt trip me into taking the baby with us to see her. Are you kidding me? The last time I went on a road trip with my dad, he drank. They just want to see the baby. Obviously not that bad though, since my dad can't take one day before he starts drinking to come see his grandson.

Then she talks about my cousin getting married and my other cousin graduating. She loves to rub in my face that I'm some kind of failure. Oh, you're not married. You dropped out of cosmetology school. You didn't go to college.

She tries to act like she's nice, but she's not. You all might think I misunderstand her, but I don't. She only cares about herself, really. She loves to keep my dad loaded with alcohol because then it's easier for her to control things. Which is probably why she didn't like me so much. I am uncontrollable! Imagine what a devil I was in high school.

I have a family though. It may not be big but I have LilB and MrB. And MrB's family is wonderful. They're funny and sweet (his younger brothers always carried stuff for me when I was preggo) and they love LilB. I know his parents love me, too, because they always try to help me. Looking at them, my heart aches for what I've missed out on. But I'm also excited to be apart of them and know that my son will grow in a great enviroment and have all the oppurtunities MrB had and more.

I wish things between my family were different. But if I've learned anything in this life, it's that you can't control what other people do.

Depression

Depression is something I've been struggling with for a long time. People with depression understand that struggle and the power it had over you. People that don't have it, don't. They say things like, "You should be happy, you have a good life." Or "Why don't you just stop feeling sorry for yourself?" If only it were that easy.

It's no wonder I struggled with it for so long. With how much alcohol that was in my childhood, the countless moves we made to run from my father's mistakes, the times where I was left alone for hours and hours with my own thoughts.

I think I dealt with that pretty well up until a few years ago. I was in a relationship with someone I shouldn't have been for a long time. I got pregnant in 2004 and despite my fears, I was excited. About 4 months into the pregnancy, I lost her. It was the hardest thing I went through at the time. I quit school and I didn't go to work for a long time. No one knew what to say to me. No one sent flowers or called to see if I was alright. No one offered to bring me food. My father's wife even blamed it on me, though not to my face. I was devastated and lied in bed feel the pain and anguish from my entire lifetime boil over until I couldn't do anything. I didn't know what to do. I started drinking again. It was a dark time in my life.

She would have been born February 2005. Ironically, that's when I met MrB. My best friend knew I wasn't in a great relationship (though she never talked to me about it) and introduced me to MrB. Brought him out with us when we'd go to dinner. I ended things with my ex, Eric. It was hard but after he proposed to me one night, I knew I didn't want to be with him.

I fell pretty hard for MrB. I think he fell for me too. It's unfortunate that I had so much baggage going into the relationship. I was really on the edge. I started seeing a therapist where I'd spend an hour crying over anything and then be hustled out the door. Finally my therapist said maybe I should try some medication. At that point I wasn't sleeping much and I'd wake up frequently. I started to think, why not? What could be worse...

I remember the doctor I saw. He was Asian and like me because I was too (well, half). One of his questions was about suicide. I thought about it and while I had thoughts of me not living in pain anymore, I believed suicide thoughts were a thing of the past. I was prescribed Effexor XR and Klonopin for sleep.

I felt great at first, which I'm sure was due to the sleep. After a while though, I started feeling numb. Sometimes the Effexor wore off and I would feel worse than I had felt without the drugs. It also had an affect on my sex drive. I soon turned 21 and talked to my doctor about drinking. As long as I didn't go overboard, I was given the ok.

I got emotional one day in August 2007, and quit my job at the animal clinic (which I had really enjoyed). I set up an interview, though, to an emergency animal clinic/specialist. I was a shoe-in. The night before, MrB and I argued and he went to his parent's house. We talked on the phone, but I don't remember this. I had stayed up all night drinking Vodka straight. Needless to say, the next morning I didn't wake up on time. MrB wasn't there. I just flipped. I hardly remember it. I remember drawing a bath and crying. My pill bottle and phone on the side of the tub. I called a lot of people. I think I was reaching out for help. It's all a daze after that. I remember not wanting to feel pain anymore. I remember waking up in the hospital to my dad and I asked him to call MrB to tell him I was ok. My dad saw this as me choosing him over family and left. I was admitted to a mental institution.

People promised to come see me but the only person who did was MrB. He talked to me everyday and every night. My mom called every night too. I was heartbroken that no one else came to see me. It's amazing that MrB stuck it out with me, too. I think it's a good thing I went there but scary when I got out. They raised my Effexor dose and change me from Klonopin to Remron and Xanax.

It's a hard to come back to the "real world" when you've been in the hospital. You have to come back to the pressures of life, which is why so many people end back there. I was determined to not be one of those people.

I started to pass out with the drugs I was on. I had never passed out before so I didn't know what I was feeling when it happened. I scared MrB. It kept happening, though, even though I tried different things. So I stopped taking the drugs. All of them.

The world seemed to open up. Like I was seeing it for the first time. I noticed things I never saw before. I felt incredible without the drugs.

I couldn't afford the drugs because I didn't have insurance. I couldn't afford a therapist and didn't really want to because it didn't seem like we were making progress with one hour a week.

I still feel the depression lurking around. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be rid of it, ever. I hate how it creeps up on me. I won't even realize it until I'm crying one morning because MrB rushed out the door without saying goodbye.

It probably doesn't help that I don't really have any friends. I can't afford to go out. I can't even afford to get a book, which are usually my best friends. Normally, I focus on how fortunate we are to have a bed (I remember when I didn't), to have electricity (I remember when they cut it off during winter), to have something to eat (we'd save pennies so we could eat a double cheeseburger). Depression can be so powerful that sometimes you won't see that. All you remember is the bad things that have happened. It can really consume you.

I was nervous about posting this. Then one of my depressed thoughts said, "No one reads this crap anyway."

Swimming in a See of Problems

Our ophthalmologist concluded that LilB will need surgery in both eyes in March. This reminds me of when I was little and wearing a patch over my eye, pretending to be a pirate. If I had gotten my second surgery, my eyes probably wouldn't wander from time to time. It seems technology has improved, but the success rate is the same. Still, 85% is pretty good.

Not that I'm at all thrilled that my son will have to go through this. I know he won't remember any of it, because I certainly don't. I am just worried. Our doctor isn't the most people-person, though she comes highly recommended... I just want her to take more time with us. My son's eye problems are a result of neurological issues. At least, that's what I thought.

I wasn't able to go to the appointment but MrB did call me to tell me our insurance was terminated. I would have thought they were suppose to give you notice and extend a COBRA offering or something. I made him go to the appointment anyway, because I had noticed LilB's eyes were getting worse.

We're getting way off track, financially. It's one road block after another. Rent was due 10 days ago. Now I'm going to have to apply for Medicaid. Maybe they'll lift some burdens off my shoulders, but before they do that, I have to take on more. I remember when I applied a few years ago, when I got pregnant. God, that brings back painful memories.

I don't even care about all that anymore. I want my son to be okay. I need all these doctors and therapist to communicate with each other nothing is overlooked. I need these people to be aware what everyone else is doing with him.

I don't have the option to feel like I can't do it anymore. I have to. I have to be strong for my son. I can't give in...and I won't be walked over.

We Can't Pull Over Any Farther

I know it's a little late, but I thought I'd add LilB's Halloween picture. He didn't mind dressing up too much.

I was hardly surprised when the flashing lights started swirling behind us. I was actually grateful MrB's mom was with us. We had just eaten at Zarda's and were coming home after a miserable day for me.

"Sir, the reason I pulled you over is because at the last light I noticed your tags are expired."

Why, yes sir, they are expired as I had to chose between my son's first Christmas and food for our family, or just get tags for our car.

MrB had the better answer. We had sent them in the mail but hadn't received them. That's a complete lie, of course. We simply don't have the money right now and are trying to recover from rent and my lack of being able to work around the holidays.

The officer was really nice and probably a little sympathetic. However we are suppose to go to the court house to prove we have insurance. That we do have and since moving, I'm not sure where I placed our cards.

That was Friday. The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful. Not really much accomplished.

Nights are becoming the horror that every mother I've talked to describes. The horror that I was thankful I didn't have. LilB is starting to wake up early in the morning now. This, however, isn't the normal, hey, I'm hungry, let me eat and falls asleep against your warm skin. This is, hey, hey, I'm up, why aren't you up? Let's get up!! I think he understands that mommy and daddy just don't get up at that time, and while I make sure he's not hungry and LilB makes sure he doesn't want to cuddle or go back to sleep, once we've given up, one of us will take him to his room and lay him in his crib, without turning the lights on, and he let's us sleep. I'm starting to think this is a growing trend.

More Weight to Bear

Sleep is not for moms with young ones. Last night was proof of that. I can't just blame it on LilB, though. My dreams were...vivid. I hardly recall them but they disturb me anyhow.

I'm working on a new page right now. It has nothing on it yet, but it's going to be a biography. Some might wonder what a twenty something year old girl would have to write in such a short time, but in reality I'm not even sure it would fit in one book. It will be a painful journey, but I've been thinking about this for a long time now. I think the hardest part about writing for me is just starting it. Sometimes I just skip to the parts I want to write about and then it comes. This is different, though...I don't remember my beginning and I only have one source. It's hard for me to take my father's word on everything.

Some of you may wonder why I've dubbed myself "Little Mama Bear". It will be a rather embarrassing story for my son when he gets older because his nickname (besides LilB) is Poopie Bear. As most moms know, poop can be pretty explosive and my son was dubbed this name after being in the store for 30 minutes and having his diaper overflow 3 times. His grandmother stopped defending him after that episode and decided to share his nickname with all friends and family.

Mothers also know that the wait at pediatricians offices can be long. One visit there, I decided to read LilB a story. It was a story about a bear not being able to go to sleep. It was ridiculous. Every other word was bear. Example: "Papa Bear sat down in his bear chair to read his bear book only to hear baby bear...." That's not an exact quote but you get the gist. MrB helped LilB pick out coffee cups, one with a mama bear and one with a papa bear, to give us for Christmas. I love coffee...it's just one of my few addictions left.

I'm starting to recall some of yesterday's session with Kelly. She pointed out that LilB's left rib sticks out more and asked us to point it out to Denise, because she knows more about muscle tones and bones then she does. I had never noticed it but today I'm freaking out because there is a big difference. I pray this doesn't keep him from doing what he wants to do.

Will the worrying ever end? Probably not, since I'm a mother for life now.

Can Eye Deal?

We had our first in-home visit from Kelly, our vision therapist. I absolutely love her. I know we'll make good progress with her and her visits every other week. She talked about things going on with him such as his left eye crossing when an object gets too close and sensitivity to light and various things we can do to help work with him to not overwhelm him. He has a problem processing... which I honestly am not sure what that means. That's my fault, really. I'm so exhausted, I hardly recall the appointment.

LilB and I have a had a long day. He just didn't want to nap, and every mom knows how important naps are. I could use one right now.

I did jump on the ball, though...(who came up with that saying?) I called our pediatrician's office and talked to a nurse about getting a referral from our doctor to see the neurologist. The involuntary dropping of his head is a small hindrance to some of the vision therapy. Well, not really, it would just be easier. We also want to make sure there's nothing else we need to worry about, if all this wasn't enough.

My stress level peaked when I opened a couple bills from the hospital. I want to scream. Mostly at my insurance company. Why are they so slow? I don't know how many times the hospitals are going to re bill them. And aren't they suppose to send me a letter of procedures they aren't covering? The only statements I've received are the ones they are. I've called them so many times and they've just given me the run-around. Just tell me that you aren't covering the claim so I can appeal it.

Sometimes I think about when we'll have our second child and it scares me. I wonder if we'll go through this again or if we'll have a "normal" birth where we can rest for 2 days, with the baby. Then I feel guilty, because I don't want my son to feel like he was trouble for me and if it does happen, I wouldn't want him or her to feel that way either. I just don't know if I have the strength to do that.

The pediatricians office just called back. They want me to take him the developmental pediatrician first, which is ridiculous because we were suppose to have an appointment with them already (when we were discharged, the nurses set it up) but the appointment had disappeared. Plus it will take months to get into a neurologist since they are short staffed. That's exactly why I wanted to schedule the appointment now.

Some days I want to forget I quit smoking.

Hardly therapeutic

LilB's therapist came over today for his first session since the holidays. Overall, he did well. He's starting to sit up and trying to crawl. She did note there were toning issues in his left arm, after LilB made a comment about how he only uses his right to grab things. Plus, she mentioned the neurologist again because he still has an almost involuntary way of dropping his head every now and then.

I think I get frustrated, because I want him to be doing nothing but good. He is making great progress but once she mentions neurologist, I freak out. I think it has to do with how we were treated both at the hospital he was born at and The Children's Hospital. I often have to remind myself that he's young, resilient and proved all the doctors wrong and he has time to grow.

Of course, now we'll be seeing Denise (therapist) every week now. She's coming back tomorrow when the vision therapist, Kelly comes so they can correlate goals and what not. I'm sure Kelly will want to see us every week as well.

We can't get an appointment with the neurologist at The Children's Hosp unless we have a letter from a doctor. Supposedly when LilB was discharged they had set up an appointment for January to see a developmental pediatrician. I have called everyone about this appointment (it was made over 6 months ago!) but the appointment has disappeared. After the therapist session today, I called The Children's Hospital to obtain all medical records. I'm done being in the dark. I also called our pediatrician but they were at lunch.

I often remind myself how fortunate we are, even through our struggles. There are a lot of kids out there that are a lot worse off but don't give in. I have a new admiration for children and their perseverance. Not to mention their parent's strength. I know LilB has given me strength I never knew I had.

A little history...

"If you never had to worry about money, what would you be?" The million dollar question that I never had an answer to. I guess I would be a little bit of everything. I've recently been thinking about my childhood, though and how much I loved writing. I'm trying to get back to that. That, and connect with other parents.

I'll give a brief overview of our current status. My son was born in June in the wee hours of the morning. After a couple of seizures MrB, demanded he be taken to The Children's Hospital. They were pretty blique about the whole thing. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful, but that was the hardest two weeks of my life. He lost oxygen a few days before birth. They had to intubate him and everything. MrB didn't even hold him until a couple days after he was born.

Now, LilB is doing great! He has therapy every other week just to make sure he's on track and help with muscle tone. He starts vision therapy this week, after seeing an opthamologist. She said his eyes are a bit crossed but other than that, his eyes are fine. That means theres some problems with the brain waves. He's a little unfocused but we can work on that, which I would have thought otherwise.

I'm very fortunate to be able to stay home with him. I work from home, and while it's a little tough to balance everything, it's well worth it. MrB just started his career, so things are a little tight right now but this year will bring a lot of new oppurtunities for him. For our family.

I am looking forward to this year and to finding some new blogger friends!