Funeral Part II

After the funeral service, we went to my Aunt Carol's house to eat and talk. Not everyone went, thank goodness. We discovered the LilB loves to listen to the piano. We chatted and caught up on a few things with some family members while LilB rolled around on the floor. We crashed early.

The next morning we got up since they were going to have a memorial mass at church. It was lovely except that priest, or whatever it is that Catholics have, kept saying what a great Catholic my grandfather was. Don't get me wrong, he was a huge part of my grandma's life but it was how he presented it. My grandmother was technically Catholic but she didn't go to church much, especially as she got older. He was almost comparing them.

LilB got fussy since his schedule was thrown off and so I left the pews and went to an area I could still hear but not have him bother everyone (not that they cared). It was sooo funny because everytime I would walk back to the pews, LilB would start bawling. I was able to get back for the part where family and friends shared words with everyone. Very tearful moments...

It was a little frustrating because everytime LilB was almost asleep, someone would come up and talk to him or kiss him. He would immediatly cry, so I just would hover over him, covering him and ignore everyone, just shushing him. By then, MrB was a little irritated so we all just sat by ourselves for a while.

We went back to Aunt Carol's for a celebration (my grandmother wanted us to celebrate her life, not her death) and even though we all took like an hour nap, LilB was not going to have millions of people kissing him. So we stayed upstairs and watched home shows, having family members pop in every once in a while when they wanted some quiet time. It was actually nice to have some one-on-one with other family members. I didn't get as much time as I would have liked with Aunt Carols. I've spent a good deal of time with her and will probably talk about her a lot...

Anyway, the flight home was a lot less of a hassel. And they didn't make me take off my Snugli or anything. Plus, they were a lot nicer. Funny, because I didn't expect as much in Memphis. Ah, well.

Grandma, I love you and I'm glad you're at peace. There's so many things I'll always remember; our pillow talks, your cooking, playing nintendo with you, shopping. You were the greatest and I hope I can become half the woman you are.

Funeral Part 1

Our weekend was non-stop.

Airline tickets, even with berevement rates were still pricey, especially for a family about to go on Medicaid. But my aunt thought it would be easier for us to fly, so she paid for the tickets. I wasn't so sure about that.

Friday morning, we went to the airport, two wrecks delaying us along the way. Then, we spent about 30 minutes in the cold waiting for a bus to pick us up from the parking lot. I finally called and told them they needed to get here before my baby got sick. He was fine, but I was freezing my butt off.

Then we waited to check our luggage in. There was only one person in front of us, but they took forever, getting on their cell for some reason so when it was our turn, the snobby lady at the counter said, "I can't check you in." That's it.

Umm...okay.... why?

You must check in 30 minutes prior to departure.

It's a minute past... MrB replied, obviously getting upset.

She told us, quite frankly, that she couldn't override the system and let us stand their, twiddling our thumbs. I finally asked if she could reschedule us but it wouldn't get us there in time for the funeral. Sooooo, I started b*tching about why we were late. She was soooo rude. She just turned around and walked away. There was another traveler, sympathetic to us, trying to figure out a way to get us on the plane. A few minutes later, the lady walked back.

Okay, I can get you on, but I can't guarentee your luggage will be there.

Then she asked how much luggage we were checking in and when I went to ask her if the stroller and carseat counted she sighed and said, "I need to know the number of luggages you.are.checking.in."

If I wasn't in a hurry, I would have had a chat with her manager.

Anyway, after removing LilB from his Snugli and pretty much getting undressed, we made it on. We discovered they hadn't put our seats together, but the flight attendant was pleasant and said she would seat us next to each other. Low and behold, there were at least 5 extra seats, so even though the lady who checked in our luggage said we couldn't possibly have room for the carseat since it was full, I was content. We had a layover in Chicago anyway. And LilB wasn't even bothered by take off or landing.

Once we arrived in Memphis, MrB left his suit on the plane and had to go back. That took so long, my cousin was able to arrive, load our luggage, and I was able to figure out how to strap LilB in without that carseat base.

We arrived at the funeral home and MrB rushed to change into his suit. I was in my black sweats (they're kinda cute...) and a purple hooded shirt. I wasn't allowed to change, either, since the family viewing was about to end in 10 minutes. The baby was immediatly swept from me.

My sweet grandmother lyed there in the casket, her makeup neatly in place, wearing a cute black dress with beads. I know she probably loved the dress, despite it's lack of color. They had put lipstick on her, which was a little unusual. I just stood there as a flood of memories overcame me and I started to cry.

It was hectic because soon after they were closing the casket and letting friends in. I had to introduce MrB to lots of people (my family is big). It was nice that MrB got to be there to comfort me. He told me that if I were a fifties gal, I'd have looked just like my grandmother.

Goodbyes Are Never Easy

The following email was in my inbox this morning:

MissB,

How are you doing? Not sure if anyone has called you yet. I am so sorry to have to tell you this if you don't know already. We got a call this morning from UncleC telling us that Mother has passed at 5:30am. She was an incredible & amazing woman.Your Dad is very upset and depressed. He doesn't want to go to Memphis now, so we canceled the trip. They are going to cremate her body and do a funeral with your Grandfather at A National Cemetery in VA later this year. If you need anything or just want to talk let us know.


I knew it was coming. Everyone did. That doesn't take away the shock or the sadness that consumes me today.

In memory of my grandmother and grandfather (who passed away in April), I wrote a chapter on my other page about them. It's a generalized chapter, about their love and how great they were.

I miss them so very much.

No Words

Ring, ring

Just answer it.

Ring, ring

You better get it, MissB...

Ring, ring

Answer the d*mn phone!

I finally got up and answered the phone. It was my Aunt Carol, as I knew it would be. Which is why I had been telling myself to answer the phone. I knew she was with my grandma...

My Aunt Carol told me that she had been in and out of her coma state for a while and that she could call me during one of her "in" moments, if I wanted. The last time I saw my grandma was last April, after my grandfather died, where I drove the 10 hour drive, 7 months pregnant just to be with her. When I left, I thought that it might be the last time I saw her, even after the promises to come visit me and the baby.

Her words were slurred. I heard her struggle to say my name and then the words I love you formed so clearly... I told her I loved her over and over. I didn't know what else to say.

My aunt asked me if I wanted her to call me when it was closer. I told her yes, but really, I don't know what else to say.

I Heart Valentine's (And 3 year Anniversaries)

Yesterday rocked.my.socks.

I kept reading blogs that all said the same thing. Every.single.one. None of them cared for Valentine's Day. They had different reasons but all were in consensus.

Valentine's Day sucks.

Ok, so my day didn't start off wonderful... but when MrB came home with a dozen roses, a card (it sang my song, "I want candy... "), and a box of Belgium chocolates... I always get stargazing lilies, but I love, love, love the color red so it was a nice suprise.

So, MrB's dad came over because his mom has some kind of virus where the doctor told her no baby could even be in the house for a week. MrB and I left, after I squeeze myself into a tight little black dress and through a red long sleep top on and some high heeled boots. MrB was wearing his new black suit with a red tie. Yummy.

We drove to the Cigar Box, which is a small italian restaraunt, which, as the name implies, has a humidor right inside. This place is tiny, but I knew MrB would love it for the atmosphere. They know how to take care of you there. So we leisurly ate and chatted, he got and cigar and I ordered Tiramisu. It was lovely.

Then he told me his original suprise, before his mom got sick was to drive me back to the Hilton, where he has reserved a King suite and we would spend the whole night drinking champagne, eating chocolate covered strawberries, and not sleeping...

He even made the chocolate covered strawberries himself. They were fabulous...

Instead, we went home, put LilB to bed, and then did all that. So, it wasn't on the best bed in the world... it didn't make it any less romantic or perfect.

Heavy Heart On VDay

Today will be a lovely day, full of romance, hugs, kisses, and love. It's Valentine's Day and our 3 year anniversary.

But first, I have to get this off my chest. So I can thoroughly enjoy the rest of the day...
I received this email yesterday (with my comments):


Re: Family Update‏
From:Cassy
Sent:Wed 2/13/08 3:38 PM
To: MissB
Hey Sweetie, (um, when did you start calling me that?)

How are you & LilB doing? (and MrB) I bet he is getting big and crawling all over. Have you gotten settled in? Did you get any Valentines Day pictures take of LilB? (are you paying?)

I wanted to give you an update about Grandma. (how is it that she's the only one to tell me?)Two weeks ago they moved her back from the hospital to the family house. (what?!)They have taken her off of all medication, except pain medication to keep her comfortable.(I didn't know she was on other meds...) They put a hospital bed in her room so she could be comfortable. She has hospice care during the day and then UncleC & UncleG are there in the evening. Today we got a call from Carol saying Grandma had a stroke or a seizure (how do you not know which?) and is now in a coma. (WHAT THE F****) Her eyes are open though. She is not eating either. (hasn't in 10 years) It is going to be a very very sad day when she passes, (duh)they are giving her approximately 10 days. Grandma signed a DNR

Then she went on to talk about her job for a while and asking me if I wanted to hang out. Acting like I some how like her after her 10+ years of being a total bi*** to me. Seriously, you all may think I'm being harsh but she is a control freak so imagine when Ms. Perfect marries Mr. Alcoholic that has a daughter that has never been in one place for more than 5 years.

I don't even care about that though. Why is she giving me the news? Probably because when my dad found out he got wasted, fast.

So me? I cried with MrB. I cried with LilB. It hasn't even been a year since my grandfather passed.

A long time ago, my grandma once told me that when she passes she didn't want me to be sad. That I should be happy that she is resting in peace. To remember that she had a good, long life and that she was ready. I know she's ready...

Still, it doesn't make it hurt any less...

Gift Ideas? Input Appreciated

I've been searching and searching for an idea of what to get MrB for Valentine's Day. It's also our 3 year anniversary. I wasn't going to get him anything because of our money situation but I sorted some bills out last weekend. I also found out that not only is he taking me out to dinner, he has a suprise for the entire night sans LilB. It will be the longest I've been away from him.

I'm really excited but bummed since I can't come up with anything. Last year, I bought him a bunch of personalized business accesories since he was just starting his career. For Christmas I got him a few ties, cuff links, a new suit and shirt. I really don't know what to get him.

Any input would be appreciated.

Letting Go

Well, I finally put my pride (or whatever that was) aside and layed it out there to him. I started out with telling him I appreciate all the hard work he's been doing. When I got to the part where they were all I had I bursted into tears (despite crying all day) He immediatley got up, sat next to me and put his arms around me. It opened the flood gates.

We talked for a while. Later that evening, he let something slip about his work, and I realized that he must have had a ton of stress this week.

Thanks for all the advice. I see that I was kind of putting him of the defensive, which is probably how I would've reacted.

Burnin Down The House

I thought about what the conversation should be like for a while. I know I've been a little over-emotional today (ok, I've pretty much been on the verge of tears all day) But I really didn't want the conversation to steer the wrong way.

30 seconds in, the eye rolling que proved we already had.

Ugh, I am loosing it...

I don't doubt every mother feels this way. In fact, I know that there are non-moms who feel that way too.

Factors: teething baby, work at home mom, no one but LilB to talk to alll day.... no friends to go out with on weekends, no money to go out and make new friends or do anything, really, cleaning, cooking, feeding LilB, changing diapers, washing clothes, ironing clothes, dishes (God, I hate dishes). Just balancing it all really. Oh yeah, aren't I suppose to be in there somewhere? Like feeding me? Bathing? Don't I have to go to the bathroom now???

I know MrB cares but showing it has not really been a priority it seems, as of late. How about a "hello, how's you're day going?" when you get home? Or a kiss goodbye? Could you watch LilB for more than 20 minutes? (I know his teething has been a pain, but please, he's been arguing with me all day...) Maybe you could feed LilB at nights without me asking.

I know it's not all him, but after a small blow out (he had unconciously had a tone with me more than once) and a long crying episode, I went out to talk to him. He was on the XBox...

Me: *Sigh* I don't want to have to fight with 10 other people to talk to you...
Him: *Sigh* What do you want to talk about?
Me: It just doesn't seem like you care...
Him: (Interrupting) What?! I kissed and hugged you when I got home (ok, he kissed both LilB and I but still only said hello to LilB

Of course, it was pretty much over after that. I didn't get to what I was really trying to say, he just got mad and I got mad, and pretty much we're on the wrong road again.

I wanted to tell him that I appreciated him working hard for us but to understand that he and LilB are all I have. No one even acts like they want to be around me. That I loved being with him but I just needed some more help and more support/love.

I started thinking about my biological mom. The one that left. How she must have felt. I'm sure my dad had been an Alcoholic back then, too... and still a partyer. She must have dealt with me all day, loving me but going crazy herself. All the while, dad's out having fun. She must've felt overwhelmed. She must've been angry. I bet all those feelings made her feel like she was a bad mother.

Or maybe that's just me.. :(

My First Award <3

Last night, I squeezed out a few tears before going to bed.

This morning, I woke up and cried. Nothing like feeling you take care of everyone and no one bothers to care about you.

But then I checked my comments to find that KiKi gave me an award. I suddenly found my spirits lifted. Yes, I will make it through today. I hope.

<---- So that's my award. :) Yay!!! First one! You should check out her blog too. I check it ever day.

My Mission

The Mission:Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria:Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part). sure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking.

I thought I'd go ahead and jump on board. This list actually took me about a week to complete. In the meantime, I was able to check some things off!

Honor Thy Father

I have about 4 posts that are unpublished. I tossed and turned last night, thinking about my posts and my posts for my other blog.

I was excited to see I had comments on my other blog. Most of them saying that I am brave for being honest. I don't really feel brave. Really, I feel guilty. I'm not sure why I, of all people, feel guilty. Actually, I do.

I know that I really haven't even started my story, and already I feel like I'm betraying my father. Logically, I know this is silly. It's my story, and it happened to me. I can't deny my feelings or what happened. But I feel like what I'm revealing would portray my father as a bad person. I don't think he is a bad person. I love him and I know he has serious problems that he will probably never deal with. I know he did the best he knew how. That being said, doesn't mean it made him right.

I'm not a huge religious person, but if I recall there is a passage about honoring thy mother and father. I hope God doesn't think I'm being sinful in sharing my story.

Well, He knows what happened...

Dear Lord,
Please don't condem me.
Love,
Miss Burb

The Excitement of Motherhood

Saturday night LilB passed his first hard poop. I was proud.

Tonight is Super Bowl night and we're actually watching it. People might even come ove

Bad Mom, No Cookie

Which side of the bed is the "right" side? I seemed to have lost it these past couple of weeks.
I told my best friend to come over tonight and we'd get a bottle of white wine, relax, and catch up. She's get to see LilB and I could unwind from this crazy week.
Oh, wait, is that an overdraft fee on my account? Crap.

I started on the roast this morning, trying to find counter space. Didn't I clean this yesterday?! Where are our plates???
I looked in the living room. I see no one was listening when I said we couldn't leave leftovers on the coffee table...
I had to get it ready before my next call (as I mentioned before, I work at home) so I hurriedly shoved everything aside to cut veggies. When I went to put the meat in I almost dropped it and blood ran all over the floor. Bogey immediately comes over and starts licking it.
Don't do that!!! Crap! Can dogs get sick from unsafe food handling?

Oh, and that Tylenol I gave LilB before he went to bed last night? Didn't help. No need to mention I didn't get much sleep.

MrB mentioned that they took extra money out from his check. I was peeved. We barely get by with what he has left. We never know how much they are going to take out (it's for a lead system for his work) and I know it's suppose to end up being really profitable for him but we haven't paid our bills in like two months. So my paycheck (or what's left) will go towards rent. We stocked up on food, thank God, because the grocery store had a sale... we'll have enough for gas for the week but that it. Next weeks check was suppose to go towards his Valentine's day/3 year anniversary present. And I wanted to buy something cute to wear for our dinner since I've not gotten any new clothes since LilB was born. Now I hope we even have enough money to go on our date. It's been so long...

I am unbelievably frustrated. I mean, I'm use to being broke but I thought we were catching up. We're not, though. I mentioned creating a budget with MrB last night. He mumbled something about not knowing what our bills were. I told him that's why we would make one. But how are we suppose to stick to a budget when we don't even know what's coming out of his check?

I really don't want to be pissy today. I don't want to take it out on MrB but here I am, all day, with LilB... and my thoughts. I just want to get out of here. Away from everyone for a little while. I don't even remember when I took my last shower (gross, I know).

:( I really wanted to buy a book, too. It's been so long since I've read a good one.

*Sorry about spelling, stupid spell check isn't working. Neither is my brain