This Post Brought to You From Florida

Wow, I leave for vacation, and I have record comments. Of course, who could resist LilB covered in cake?

I'm still on vacation, till Tuesday. Tomorrow will be spent at the land of the mouse. Today was mostly spent at the beach, which I've missed oh-so-much. The white part of me wants to burn, but the Asian in me is saying that's not going to happen. I'm rooting for the Asian side. (I always turn red the day of, and then tan)

I love visiting my mom. Visiting Florida. I grew up in Orlando and have never felt like a tourist on my trips home, until now. But that's because MrB and LilB have never been around here, at least not recently.

It brings up a lot of memories, being back here. A lot of them with my dad. Mom tells me a lot of stories, but sometimes I ask about the bad ones, and she'll tell me. Each visit, I learn something new about my past, that I never remembered, but makes sense to me when I hear it. And it breaks my heart a little more each time. MrB still can't believe some of the crap I went through. Some of the stories contradict things I remember, and I've debated whether or not to go back to my other site and revise things.

My dad did call me on my birthday, yesterday. And yet, after our 1.5 minute conversation, I was overcome with sadness. I expect so much more then he has ever given. And probably ever will.

I wasn't feeling well, yesterday, after my shopping excursion, so I'm making up for it by downing a few extra beers today. Plus, my mom doesn't drink beer, so it'll just sit here for who knows how long, if I don't drink it.

Slowly catching up on my Google Reader (you guys have been blogging machines;69!). Trying not to think about responsibilities and things that will get me down. Just trying to enjoy my time here; it may be a while before I get to come back.

(pictures and details to come)

First Birthdays Rock

LilB's birthday theme was Elmo. I know, I know, very original. The main reason we chose Elmo was not because he's my son's favorite Sesame Street character (we haven't begun that road yet) but more because Elmo is red, which is a color LilB is attracted to, and his face is very exaggerated. Simply put, Elmo is easy for LilB to see!


I already knew I wanted to bake LilB his own cake, but after we got the Elmo cake pan, we decided to make two (on top of the Cold Stone Cake we bought). The hardest part? Dying the icing. Let me just tell you now, it takes a while for the colors to set in, especially dark ones including red (which I could have sworn was going to be bright pink).

Not bad on the color, if I do say so myself. The black never turned all the way, but everything else was pretty close! MrB did the top one and I did the bottom. I liked his icing tip better, but from a distance, they look the same. Except mine looks cracked out.

In case you were wondering, my dad did not come. He didn't even call. While I was not surprised by this, I was still disappointed. But he is definitely the one missing out.

LilB had a blast. More so then I thought he would. He got quite a bit more cake in his mouth then I anticipated, but the icing was his favorite part.

Dude, this stuff is pretty good...

I'm going to use one of the last two pictures for this week's Exposaroonie challenge. Which one do you like better?

Way To Kick Off The Party...

Friday afternoon phone call:

Lady: Is this LilB's mom?
Me: It is.
Lady: Hello, this is Sara from ____ Pediatrics. We receieved the results from LilB's CT scan. Is he scheduled for neurology yet?
Me (thinking): Are you fucking kidding me? (saying) Actually, his nurse said that neurology wanted him to see NICU Specialty first...
Lady: Oh, good. The results were abnormal.
Me: Uhh, what does that mean... (choking back tears here)
Lady: Well, the results should have been forawarded to NICU so you can discuss the results with them during your appointment.
Me: I'm not going to wait a month... (holding back curses)
Lady: Well, you could call them and talk to someone about the results.

__________________________________________________________________

I never got a call back from anyone at NICU so I called this morning and got the run around. Finally, I just called my pediatrician's office and demanded my doctor call me back. He did (within 30 minutes!) and talked to me about the results. (Did I mention I <3 him?)

LilB has atrophy of the brain. Meaning, is brain is not growing the way it should. This is probably due to what happened at birth or even in the utero (insert heart wrenching guilt here)

It could be worse. He could have had pre mature closing of the sutures, which would pretty much mean his skull would have to be cracked back open (*shudders*).

It could be better. His old pediatrician could have ordered this CT MONTHS ago and we could already be in with a neurologist.

While I'm devastated that my son's birth is still affecting him and his growth, I'm relieved that his condition isn't worse.

My poor baby. I feel so helpless.

(Birthday post to come shortly)

Is it 7:30 yet?

Was up at 4 this morning. LilB did fine waking up. He was even laughing. We cuddled for awhile and then I let him play. He started fussing about 5:30, which is pretty good. He's still letting me comfort him but I can tell this no food and not enough sleep thing is making him a very unhappy guy. Let's just hope this works for the CT scan (will be there at 7:45) It's hard to see him needing something and not be able to take care of it.

My first therapy session with Beth went well. A lot better then expected, actually. The first time I went to see my old therapist (not the one my dad's wife brought me to), I pretty much cried the entire hour. There were a few tears this time, but we pretty much went over the summary of my life, and the people in it. It helps that she's a friend of MrB's mom, so she already had a little bit of background. At the same time, I'm worried that little fact may make me hold back, despite her reassuring me about my confidentiality.

She's a lot older then I expected. Still, conversation flowed easily. I found her to be a very sweet, strong woman. I have another appointment next week.

I've been trying to distract LilB for the past 30 minutes. Changing his toys around, especially with musical ones. But it's getting to the point where he's not going to be distracted. All I can do is sit with him and cuddle while he cries. I hate feeling so helpless.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I really have been meaning to finish the birth story. But I have been swamped. Here are the latest updates:

• Denise's last day was on Tuesday. Sadness. New therapist Amanda is throwing our whole schedule off since she is only working Wednesday mornings. Kelly (vision therapist) already comes on Wednesday and, frankly, I like the schedule. It works for all of us.
• LilB's birthday is on Friday! Elmo decorations and Elmo cake pan bought. Wish me luck on baking my own cake and icing and decorating it. Pictures to come.
• LilB's CT scan is tomorrow. Spoke with pre-registration nurse about how LilB had seizures after the first time they gave him sedation for CT scan. We are now going to sleep deprive him, in hopes he'll sleep through it (he has to be completely still). I have to keep him up until 12 tonight, wake him up at 4 AND not feed him. We'll both be crying by the time we get there at 8.
• Ant infestation within the last 24 hours and they bit LilB a couple times. MrB was pissed (because I clean all the time since we have people in our house) and marched to the office. They came a.s.a.p. and fixed the garbage disposal that's been broken for months now. Was just too lazy to call.
• MY therapist appointment is tonight. I am very anxious.
• LilB has been constipated which = horrible mood, difficulty eating AND pooping, difficult to put down for naps.
• Just found out that they are going to pull the feeding tube and lifeline for my friend's dad.

The good news is in about a week, we'll be on our way to Florida. And for one week, I won't have to worry about appointments and the little details. I might even be able to relax...?

Father's Day

I thought Father's Day was this week so I didn't get cards out on time, or get a card for mRb. Automatic FAIL. But I made up for it by taking him to Granite City, a place that a few of his buddies have talked about for quite some time and is pretty expensive. We then headed over to the mall so I could purchase him a pair of dress shoes for work, which were also pretty expensive. They look like they could be the most comftorable shoes ever, though, and it will help his legs, which have been bothering him from time to time.


My mother called with bad news. My friend that I grew up with was back in Florida because his dad is in a coma. He was at work by himself and something happened (no one knows what) and he was pinned in between something and loss oxygen to his brain. God knows for how long. He may not be the nicest person, but he's their dad. He use to take us camping and fishing in his boat. He always brought me along and even though I hated his endless teasing, he still included me. He once made me my own fishing pole that was black and red, my favorite colors. I wish I still had it.



This made me want to call my dad. I talked to him for a while, catching him up a little on LilB. I was holding back, though. His reaction to what happened to LilB has left me very guarded. You guys know more then he does.



It made me sad, talking to him. Their friends are living with them till August when they get married. To my surprise, this hurt me, but I refrained from making any smart ass remarks.



I'm sad because I feel robbed of the childhood I should have had. Sad because I can't have it back. But mostly sad because I didn't get to have my dad. It was always a constant battle between a current wife and/or alcohol. And I never won.



He wasn't always like that (don't I sound like a victim of abuse?) When my "real" mom left us, he worked two jobs to keep us afloat. He took me out with grandma and grandpa. When I got older, I would ride on the back of his motorcycle to school, feeling oh so cool. When things got really bad, at one point, we spent a whole day at a Star Trek convention (ahh, my true nerdiness shows).



I know he can be an amazing human being. Addiction, though, has left us with all but nothing.



So, when I see MrB and how much he adores LilB, I'm thrilled. Because no matter what, I know LilB will never have to wonder about his daddy.

LilB's Birth Story: Part 2

When I woke up, it was dark. The t.v. was on and a nurse had snuck in, careful not to wake up MrB. I had woken up from a strong contraction, so I knew the epidural was wearing off. I hit the button a couple of times while she check on my progress.


It won't be long now! she whispered.


I requested another load dose of the epidural because the contractions were starting to feel strong again. They said it would be a little while.

I lied there, watching MrB curled up on the couch. I smiled to myself, happy that we had made it this far, and despite so many hurdles we'd gone through, it seemed it had only mad us stronger. I thought about how lucky I was to have him, supporting me.

The drug man (my pet name for him) came and gave me the load dose. I started to feel sleepy almost immediately and just as I was drifting off, a nurse walked in with a tray. She was setting up for the birth. She shuffled around for a minute before another nurse came in and flicked on the lights, completely throwing me off my chi, which I wasn't even aware of until then. MrB stirred a little, lifted his head in confusion, his eyes trying to blink away the sleep. He looked exhausted.

MrB grabbed the video camera and stretched, while the nurses continued to set everything up. One of the nurses started positioning my bed, dropping the bottom part and lifting up the top, so I was in a more reclined positions. She reached between my pretty much dead legs, pushed on a spot and told me that was where I would push. Good to know, I thought.

We did some "practice" pushes, to help me get the feel for it and to help the baby down more. My doctor came in and I grumbled about my exhaustion, though I was thrilled to see that he was actually delivering. I kept remembering all the birth stories I had read about other mamas giving up in the middle of pushing, only to be set back. I was determined not to let my exhaustion get the best of me.

MrB got on one side of me and a nurse on the other. They helped me push my legs back, as I grabbed them for support. When a contraction came, any tension or discomfort was replaced by the feeling of relief as I pushed with my body.

When the monitors started going off, I tried not to panic. I recalled reading about monitors losing their signal sometimes, and that had happened a few times earlier that day. Still, they put an oxygen mask on me and let me rest for a minute until the monitors were stable again.

But when more nurses started to pile into the room, I knew they weren't telling me something.

LilB's Birth Story: Part 1

I had trouble sleeping that night. Now it was 5 a.m. and I was up before the sun. Not being a morning person, I tried to shake off the sleepiness that still lingered.

MrB and I had stayed up talking about this day. We knew we should have gone to bed early, but the excitement between us created an energy that would not be ignored. We were going to have a baby. We were going to have our first baby.

We had our bags stuffed with clothes, cameras, and paperwork along with other non-essential items. I had obsessively repacked everything to make sure it would all fit. Before I went to sleep the night before, I made several prayers asking to go into labor naturally so I wouldn't have to be induced. And that either way, we had a safe and healthy baby.

When we got to the hospital it was about 6 a.m., the time they told us to arrive. They showed us to our room and informed us that a new shift was starting so it would be a little bit before a nurse would come in. It wasn't until an hour later that someone came in. I was thrilled that I had woken up so early just to wait on someone else.

The nurse came in and hooked me up to an I.V. then a doctor came to check on me. She ordered the Pitocin and started me on the lowest dose. The nurse stayed behind while I asked her questions about moving around. She told me to just ring for one of the nurses and they'd help me with my I.V. I had thought about doing natural birth but really doubted I could since I was being induced and wouldn't be able to move as freely as I liked.

MrB and I decided to watch some movies we brought. A nurse would pop in every now and then to check on my progress and when my body wasn't moving along fast enough to their liking, they raised the dose of Pitocin.

Around lunchtime, the same doctor came in and broke my water. She reported that the it was clear, meaning there was no merconium.

Before long, I was getting contractions. I couldn't believe how strong they felt and yet I knew from all the warnings from out birthing class, this was only the beginning. We tried moving me to the exercise ball I brought and Lew tried to rub my back. Every time a contraction came, I had the strong urge to beat down any nurse that came in. Please note that no nurses were harmed during this time.

I was so exhausted. I cursed myself for staying up so late. As I would start to drift off, another contraction would kick in and I would almost cry through it. I just wanted to rest before I had to actually work to get this baby out of me. Lew hated seeing me in pain.

Sometime around the afternoon, I talked to the nurses about drugs. I wish I had stuck with my instinct but I let them convince me to add a little something to my I.V. and it would help "take the edge off". Plus, they'd cut the dose in half and give me more if I wanted it.

It didn't take long for the Stadol to kick in. I felt loopy and not in control. I hated it and instantly started telling Lew how I felt about it. I was pissed when another contraction came and it felt just as strong, if not stronger then all the others. I tried not to think about what effects it would have on the baby. It was already too late.

When I sobered up, which didn't take too long, I demanded an epidural. When the anesthesia guy came, he had someone with him. It seemed that he had enough confidence to let the younger lady with him do it. Lew stood in front of me while I was perched on the bed and I leaned into him. She hit a nerve and made me jump then had the gall to tell me I couldn't do that. I snapped back...

Well, if you don't hit a nerve, I won't jerk like that. I hissed. I quietly reprimended myself... Don't piss off the person giving you drugs in your spine.

MrB had to move at that point because needles make him queasy and when he saw me jump he thought it had hurt me. It hadn't, but he had to lay down on the floor anyway. One of the nurses took his place while the others checked and made sure he was okay.

The second try it went in fine. The homicidal feelings began to subside and within the hour I was sleeping like a baby without feeling drugged.

After being woken up a few times by the nurse to check on my progress, and getting a load dose of the epidural, MrB decided to rest on the couch. I watched him for a while, happy that he was here supporting me through this.

My dad came by during his lunch hour and on his way home. I talked to my mom and a few of my friends for a little while, but it was clear to them that I wasn't in the mood for chit chat.

Finally, the nurses left me alone for a little while. I was able to rest my body and prepare for the arrival of our son.

And All That Stuff

Seriously, it feels like I might as well have 3 kids.

Lately, I've been feeling like a chicken running around with it's head cut off. Lovely, I know.

That off and on crying that LilB had from Saturday? Well, it continued throughout the weekend. It wasn't so bad on Sunday and I really thought he was constipated. He probably was and he's probably getting some more teeth, too. Add that on to an abrasion on each eye, you get one unhappy camper.

Monday, I took him to Urgent Care. I had MrB's mom take me since he was doing appointments. It wasn't a terribly long wait, like I've experienced before while waiting in ER. The doctor actually seemed like he cared and took his time. When the physical showed him that he hadn't hurt himself somehow, he decided to do stains on his eyes. He held up a black light (that brought back memories) and LilB's eyes were glowing green. It was a little unnerving, but he took it like a champ.

We did a re check with our new doctor's office. Our pediatrician wasn't in, so we saw his associate. The man talked to fast, I really couldn't understand him, and every sentence he ended in, "And all that stuff." Seriously, the most I got out of that appointment was that his eyes looked good and to just keep doing the drops they had prescribed.

I've been going back and forth with my insurance company (old one), the hospital I gave birth at, and this radiology company that goes out to different hospitals to perform services and their collection agency. Somehow, the radiology company got some insurance that I never had, let alone heard of, and they're trying to bill me about 300 bucks. So since it's been well over 90 days, they won't bother to resubmit the claim to the correct company. The lady also informed me that they got that information FROM the hospital, yet the hospital had my correct information. Hmm...

Their collection agency was a lot more helpful then any of the other people I talked to. She told me how to submit my own claim and that I could make arrangements, or wait if I wanted to. She said if it were her, she'd wait because sometimes insurance companies are a pain to get them to pay an individual. I concurred.

LilB slept through his therapy appointment with Denise, so we're rescheduling for Friday. Yay, more appointments!!! We have another recheck on Thursday for his eye, and Kelly (vision therapist) comes tomorrow.

Oh, and did I mention I am planning on going to see a psychiatrist?

That brings on a lot of different feelings, but I think I need to. I'm going on overload here and I've never dealt with my emotions very well. Poor MrB. Luckily, he knows I'm not crazy. Or maybe he does and loves me despite it? Or even for it?

That being said, with all my frustrations today, I managed not to yell, cry, or hurt anyone. Okay, I cried to myself a little. But I didn't let that drown my whole day!

Rockfest 2008

Well, certainly an all day event could have tons of posts, especially with 50,000 people there. I let go of inhibitions and just got into the moment. Here are some Rockfest highlights:

• Arrived in time to get beer and see all time favorite band, Chevelle. Immediately saw some boobies and then friend Aaron hoisted a chic on his shoulders and got to see some more boobage.
• Was also hoisted onto Aaron's shoulders to get a view of my band! Disappointed plenty of onlookers.
• Lots and LOTS of crowd surfers. Got a few handfuls of boobage.
• Got two t-shirts for $30!! Score!!
• Saw Saliva and had to "hide" from the camera man.
• Got some more beer before heading to bathrooms.
• Happy that I brought my own T.P. and managed not to fall while crouch-peeing.
• Headed toward front of main stage for Sevendust
• Met my BFF there!
• More boobage.
• Left with BFF to tell the people she went with that she was coming home with me since they were leaving early. They were not pleased.
• Decided that we needed more beer and pranced off happily, not caring that those biotches didn't say bye.
• Waited FOREVER to get said beer. Guys flirted and talked about how young I looked.
• Did not get carded for the 3rd time. Thank God, since ID was on boyfriend.
• Made our way back to the boys for Shinedown. Did not get into fight with chic that put her hands on me. Was tempted though, since she was being such a B.
• So close I could feel the base vibrating my chest.
• Got a glimpse of Shinedown on Aaron's shoulders but decided to dismount when Click Click Boom came on due to moshers and crowd surfers
• Grandparents started blowing up our phones about 8ish.
• Somehow ended up with another band shirt.
• Stayed until Shinedown was finished but had to miss Stone Temple Pilots since LilB had been crying since 5.
• LilB was fine when we picked him up.

I had a great time. Wish I had wore a bikini, even with my post preggo belly. We met lots of people, got lots of sun, and listened to some great music. Plus, you can't beat 5 dollar beers! If you like concerts and all day events, you should think about coming next year. I bet it will be even bigger!

I'm The Mama, Hear Me Roar

Yesterday we went to the new pediatrician, we'll call him Dr. Ped to make things easy to remember. I have a feeling we'll be seeing him for a long time.

There was a range of emotions after meeting with this wonderful man for the first time. He was a shorter man, with a very round head, who spoke soft, slow words. Not like he was dumb or anything, but it was more like he thought about what he was saying, which is more than I can say for more people (including myself).

Immediately, we launched into his history. I rattled off several of my concerns, but before I could even finish my second rant, he told us that he'd get us a referral for the neurologist.

Has anyone ever mentioned that his head his on the smaller side.

Are you kidding me? Not only have we talked to our last pediatrician about SEVERAL of our concerns about his head, we were told it was normal. Dr. Ped then told us that he could tell just by looking at it that it was smaller and that we should figure out what's going on. He was sure that once we figured it out, a lot of our questions would be answered. And we'd also understand where to go from there.

We have been trying for months to get a neurologist referral, only to be brushed off and sent to a developmental behavioral doctor. They couldn't get us in till FALL (no joke) but they wanted US to see the neurologist. However, they wouldn't give us a referral since they hadn't seen him (note: referral MUST be from doctor). Not to mention, much like the developmental behavioral department, neurology might take a while to get into, thus making it even more important to get an appointment NOW.

Dr. Ped told us that the developmental behavioral department deals more with ADOLESCENTS. Great, no one bothered to tell me that, including the developmental behavioral dept (which I waited two weeks to get a call back on an appointment for).

Dr. Ped reassured me that LilB wasn't missing any important vaccines and that we'd get him next time, though we did do a blood drawl. His office then made two appointments for me but gave me three phone numbers:

• Appointment for CT scan next week. LilB will be mildly sedated. I'm totally freaked out.
• Appointment for NICU Specialty which would be the baby version of the developmental behavioral doctor. (They said I had an appointment in January, but the funny thing is it wasn't there when I called in December, frantically looking for that appointment)
• Phone number for neurology. They faxed a referral for me, though I was unable to make an appointment since it was too late. (I got confused and had to call the pediatrician's office to ask what department the CT was in--had to reschedule because they wanted LilB to go from 8 am to 2 pm without eating, and unless they want to treat ME when we go in, that's not happening.)

So I got more done with that doctor then I have in almost 11 months with my prior pediatrician. It just goes to show that just because someones nice doesn't mean they're for you.

(And I'm not even going to THINK about what the results will be of the CT. Or what I will do to my old pediatrician if it's something that shouldn't have been missed.)

Later today I will finally post the first part of the birth story. It will explain a lot.

And finally, we are going to Rockfest, baby. Lew's mom had her plans fall through, so I get to spend most of my day drinking and partying like a rock star. Just kidding. I don't have the energy for that anymore. But I will be drinking. First concert since I got pregnant!

This is where you tell me your plans for the weekend.

Just a Little Bit Closer to Chaos

Lots going on for the month of June. Some good, some bad. Some AWESOME.

• First family trip to Disney World! LilB will not only get to meet my mom for the first time, he'll get to meet Mickey! I'm hoping we go to Sea World, too.
• LilB's first birthday.
• MrBs mom's 50th birthday.
• My 23rd birthday (which will be spent in Florida).
• Rockfest next weekend (need babysitter for this all day event...)
• New therapist (replacing Denise)

We're leaving the day of MrB's mom's birthday. And we'll be gone for his brother's 21st birthday as well. I did not plan this trip, either, and the tickets can't be changed.

And as much as the trip is suppose to be for my birthday, I have this overwhelming feeling thinking about. Having a baby means everything takes longer... traveling with a baby... well, you know how some people see a baby before the board a flight and cringe a little (even if they you like babies...) Well, think of that same cringe for about a month prior. That's what mommy is feeling.

I've taken care of myself for a long time. Even when I lived with my dad, I took care of myself. Taking care of someone else is hard. Taking care of said person plus another (re:boyfriend) is extremely frustrating. Especially if they're not cooperative.

I need this concert coming up. 50,000 people will be there and I need it. I didn't get to go last year because I was so pregnant. This year, we bought tickets well before but MrB failed to give him mom any notice and now we have to figure out a babysitter for an all-day event for a child that requires a lot of extra patience. Not to mention said person will probably need to spend a few hours with me so they know all the tips and tricks of LilB.

Lately, I've felt completely overwhelmed. I'm either working, making an appointment (or waiting to make one), in an appointment, cleaning, feeding LilB or putting him to sleep, changing his diaper, remembering to give him a bath, remembering to pay bills, doing laundry at least once a week, remembering if I bathed (ew, I know), remember if I ate, and making dinner. Oh, and I can't forget about Bogey.

I don't think it's going to get better anytime soon, either. Actually, it will probably get worse. I want to start taking one class this fall so I can get started on my certificate for web design. I know it will be a lot more work on top of what I have but I need to do something. I sometimes feel like an idiot because I never stayed in school to get a degree or anything. While I know some of this is due to a lot of circumstances, it doesn't make me feel any better.

So wait. Doesn't that make for another appointment of my list? Crap.